The Ideal 20-Something

I’ve started thinking a lot about how everyone in the same age group as I am (in their 20s) seems to be at a different stage in their life. Everyone is doing something different.

Let’s take me, for example. I’m 26. I went to college, and continued on to graduate school. I’ve been struggling to find work. I don’t have a significant other, nor do I want one/want to get married. I don’t think I want kids. I have a dog who is practically my child. I’m an Aunt to two beautiful girls. I spend my days job hunting, volunteering, and hiking.

Now, let’s take a look at other people I know who are in their 20s:
Some are in undergrad.
Some are in graduate school.
Some never went to college.
Some are working a full-time career.
Some people are on their second career choice.
Some people don’t work.
Some people started their own company.
Some people are stay-at-home moms.
Some still live in the same town they grew up in/went to college.
Some moved to a different state.
Some moved to a different country.
Some are single.
Some are in a relationship.
Some are married.
Some are divorced.
Some are expecting their first child.
Some just started their family.
Some already have multiple kids.

You know what that tells me?

There’s no ideal place in life you’re supposed to be in your 20s.

That your 20s aren’t really supposed to make perfect sense.

Your 20s is about figuring yourself out, about learning what you want from life. It’s about growing into the person you want to be.

It’s about working towards that life you want, and beginning it.

So when I sit here and wonder “Wow, so-and-so is married with two kids, but the idea of having kids at my age terrifies me. Is that weird?”, I know that the answer is no.

A few years ago when my sister first announced she was pregnant, someone asked me, “So…how do you feel about your younger sister being pregnant?” I knew what they meant. They wanted to know how I felt that my sister, who is 3 years younger than me, was starting a family before I did. You know what I said? I’m so happy for her, I’m ecstatic for her. Because I wasn’t in a place in my life where I was ready to start a family, but she was.

Because, again, everyone in their 20s is at a different stage of their life, and no one should be jealous or feel bad that they aren’t doing the exact same thing as someone else in a similar age group.

So whether you’re sitting on a mountain with your dog as your partner, or looking at houses with your SO, or playing with your kids at the playground – You’re doing exactly what you should be in your 20s.

Why Do You Hike Alone?

I hike alone, a lot. Actually, the majority of my hikes are done solo.

But it seems like a lot of people don’t understand why I would want to do that.

Sure, hiking as a group or with another individual can be a lot of fun. I had my fair share of group hikes last summer. In fact, I did them weekly for nearly two months. They were a blast! I still go on the occasional local hike with someone else, too.

Hiking alone doesn’t occur because I can’t find anyone else to go hiking with. It’s because I actually enjoy hiking by myself.

Hiking alone is one of the most calming and refreshing things I’ve ever experienced.

It allows me to go where I want, when I want, and hike at the speed  I want. Group hikes were great, but I always felt like it was a rush to reach the summit when I wanted to spend time just enjoying my surroundings. I like to stop a lot, take it all in.

And hiking quickly just doesn’t happen for me anymore. My weight-bearing joints aren’t doing as well as they did when I was younger, and my lungs also can’t handle going too quickly up an incline without aching. Which means I need to stop quite a bit and let everything rest for a few moments. So honestly, it’s just easier to be by myself. Then I don’t feel like I’m forcing people to wait on me, or watching a group leave me behind.

Also, I’m never really hiking alone. I take Joule, the best of friends. Sure, it’s not another human, but I never feel like I’m actually alone when she’s with me.

When I come home from hiking with just Joule, I feel totally happy and at peace.

That’s why for my birthday I went snowshoeing alone. Because I knew that’s the one thing that would be guaranteed to be a blast and leave me satisfied.

Really, I’m just good at being alone and in the outdoors. I’m content with myself, and maybe that’s part of the reason I enjoy going and doing these things alone/with Joule so much. Because I don’t absolutely need someone else there to make it an enjoyable experience.

Honestly, I just need that crazy dog of mine by my side.

That doesn’t mean I’ll turn someone down, or never try to find someone to invite along, though. There’s only been a few instances where I’ve wanted to go by myself so badly that I told someone no to joining. Which, if I ever do that, don’t take it badly! It’s nothing against you particularly, it’s just that I need a little refresher and being alone is important to that.

“But Kylie, going alone is dangerous!” *cue Zelda joke*

Shut up, no it’s not. It’s only unsafe if you’re an idiot and don’t know how to take care of yourself. I never put myself into situations where serious injury could happen, or where I wouldn’t be able to get help if I needed it.

I go by myself because I want to, because my soul needs to. And I don’t think that’s ever going to change.

 

New Year’s Resolutions

 

 

Everyone creates resolutions, it’s a tradition. Typically they’re about changing your life for the better – love more, go to the gym, eat healthier, remember to call Mom once a week, etc etc etc.

New Year’s resolutions always mean something a little more to me because the new year is 100% a new year for me. Being born on the 1st means that every time we enter a new year, I’m also entering another age of existing as a functional human being. So New Year’s resolutions are like a double whammy in the resolution department.

This year was big for me, obviously. A lot happened, as I explained in my previous blog post. But I also spent this year falling in love with myself, becoming happy, learning to be happy with just myself, laughing an incredible amount, enforcing the bond with my dog that had sadly diminished a little over the past years due to how busy I was (I’ve always loved my dog, but being busy meant less time for us doing fun stuff). Overall, who I am as a person has essentially fully changed within this past year.

So I suppose when I begin to sit down and think about it, there’s only one resolution that will result in something brand spanking new for 2016;

Find a job.

But that’s an obvious one, and it’s a stupid resolution because well, I’ll find a job this year. I know I will. It’s to the point that it’s a given.

So, what do I want to line up as resolutions?

I want to continue the path I’ve set for myself this year.

Thus, for 2016, my resolutions are:

• Continue to laugh more
• Keep taking selfies of myself being happy
• Continue to focus on making myself happy
• Always make time to adventure with my best friend
• Grow upon that little spark of faith in humanity that occurred this year
• Never apologize for being introverted
• Continue to enjoy life because it has so, so much to offer

In general, I resolve to not go back to the way things were before. I am a strong, joyful, caring, adventurer who probably loves her dog more than some mothers love their own kids, and that is exactly the same person I want to be in 2016.

 

2015 – The Year Where Everything Happened

2015 was insane for me. Even acquaintances know a lot happened. And close friends know how absolutely crazy the entire year was for me.

The past year, I have seen myself hit one of my lowest points, yet also one of my highest. It’s been a roller coaster, but I’m so happy it happened.

My year started off with turning 25 in the mountains, doing one of my favorite things – snowboarding. It was one of the best birthdays I’ve had, even if it was spent with a now-ex-boyfriend.

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All of January and February was spent writing code and analyzing my data. And watching my relationship begin to crumble.

But I also got to witness the friendship between my dog and niece begin.

The end of February was my first experience presenting on my research. I gave a seminar to the School of Biomedical Engineering, and it went incredibly well. I suddenly began to feel less stress for my future defense.

 

A month later, I presented my research at my first conference. It for the American Society of Sports Medicine, and while it was just a poster, it was still a big deal to me.

Fast forward to the beginning of April. An argument about a hike is what triggered my relationship ending. Sure, we had been building up to it, but it’s crazy to think that that’s what ended up being the final straw. I wrote a bit about it a few months ago. The future I envisioned came crumbling down all around me. I was thrown into a deep depression and spent day after day crying. I couldn’t eat, sleep, or focus on my research work. The worst part? I had to continue living with him for 2 months.

I had to drag myself out of it and give my first podium presentation at a conference. Presented at the Rocky Mountain chapter of the American Society of Biomechanics. Everyone complimented my presentation and I was ecstatic. It was the first time I had truly smiled that entire month.

Came home, was lead on, killed all emotions I felt, and buckled down to finish writing my thesis. Basically, the more I focused on my work, the less I focused on everything else. This resulted in writing the bulk of my thesis in a matter of weeks. And to top it off, I prepared a full thesis defense within a matter of days.

Joule was kind enough to let me practice my defense on her and her friends.

That brings me to the highlight of the year, of my life, actually.

My thesis defense was so successful that I wasn’t prepared for it to be that successful.

“Graduated” that same day, May 15th. I didn’t defend in time to technically graduate, but they still let me participate in commencement.

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Took off a few days later for a road trip through New Mexico with my best friend at my side. Single greatest semi-spontaneous decision of my life.

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When driving to get coffee one morning in Albuquerque, I realized just how happy I was with my life. The exact song that was playing was Ride by Twenty One Pilots, and every time I hear it, I feel happy.

A week after my return, I was flown out to Memphis for an interview. Not many people knew about it. Ended up not getting the job, but it was still an experience I’m happy I went through.

For the 4th of July, I sat on top of the fermenters at Odell Brewing to watch the fireworks. Pros of having friends in the brewing industry. Ended up being locked up on the roof temporarily, thankfully someone unlocked the door.

Spent the summer drinking beer and going on adventures. Really can’t complain there.

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Ran Warrior Dash for the 3rd time.

I climbed my first 14er – Mt. Bierstadt.

I even drank naked in a river. I mean, I had to. How else should you drink a beer called Birthday Suit? Of course there’s pictures,  but, those are for my eyes only.

Went to GABF for my 3rd year in a row. Ended up trying around 30 different beers within 2 hours.

Left the next day for some peak foliage sight seeing in Crested Butte. These were some of the most breathtaking views I’ve ever seen.

Was able to hold the American flag on the field for a Broncos game for a 3rd year in a row.

 

I met my absolute favorite metal band, All That Remains, when they came to Fort Collins at the end of November. Definitely fangirled a little hard.

At the beginning of December, I had the amazing opportunity to volunteer at Breck for Ski Spec, which was a week-long event for disabled athletes to come participate in winter activities. Spent a few days helping assembled monoski chairs and hanging out with pro-athletes.

Sent a Christmas card featuring my dog all over the world for her fans.

Ended up spending the full weekend before Christmas as Bro Reindeer at various bars around Fort Collins. Worth it.

Found out that a health issue I’ve been trying to get my body to fight for 3 years is finally fully 100% gone. It wasn’t a huge deal that I had it, but, it was starting to get worse, and the longer it’s around the less likely it is that your body is actually going to fight it. So, after 3 years, I had kind of accepted it. Huge weight off my shoulders to hear that everything was finally normal.

A lot happened this year. I had a lot of successes, and a lot of failures. But everything I went through has lined me up for 2016. I know what’s going to happen in 2016, although I’m not sure the specifics. I’m excited to find out what it is, I’m excited for the journey.

2015 was the year where my life fell apart and I made due with the pieces. It was the year that I chose to live life to the fullest.

2016 is going to be the year where everything falls into place. Where I get to show the world what I’m made of and what I’m capable of.

Goodbye 2015, hello 2016.

Oh You’ll Find Someone

One of my biggest pet peeves that I’ve discovered lately is that when I admit to someone that I don’t believe I want to spend my life with someone or have a family with someone, they say:

“Oh, you’ll find someone.”

“You’ll change your mind.”

“You’re still young.”

The concern has never been about not finding someone. I don’t spend night after night alone on my couch thinking “Oh woe is me, I don’t have someone to sit here romantically with.”

It’s because I want to be alone. It’s because I am completely and utterly happy and content on my own.

It’s because I’ve realized that I have never been happier in my entire life than I am right now, since accepting that I’m better on my own.

Of course there’s always the opportunity for that to change, I’ve never said that there’s not. I just don’t believe, right now, that the possibility of that happening is likely. I’ve tried dating, I’ve tried meeting new people. And I’ve come to see that I just don’t have a concern with connecting with someone beyond friendship. I don’t really want to let anyone else into my life like that.

The emotional bond that I would share with someone while in a relationship? I get that from my friends. Honestly, I do. And that’s all I want.

Sure, I still try to meet new people. But who doesn’t enjoy meeting new people? Who doesn’t enjoy expanding their group of acquaintances and friends?

I do still find quite a few people that capture my attention. But after hanging out once or twice, I fully register that the necessary drive isn’t there for me. I always feel guilty when I begin to pick up on someone being more interested in me than I am in them. Because what am I supposed to say? “Oh yeah, still trying to just get out there and meet people even though I really don’t have the intention of getting into anything serious”? People hate that.

Why can’t people just be happy for you? Why can’t someone hear you say “I’m so happy on my own, I don’t think that I want to be with anyone”, and respond with “I’m so happy that you’re happy and have realized that’s what you want for your life!” Why do they feel the need to tell you that you’ll change? That you’ll meet ‘the right person’?

Why does an end goal for me have to be ending up with someone?

Why can’t it just be accepted that there is a very strong potential that I’ll spend my life single? And that’s it’s because I want to, rather than because I can’t find someone?

“Oh but what if you decide you want to have a family?”

Uh, hello. It’s the 21st century. There’s ways to accomplish that on my own if I so desire.

Stop making people feel bad for the choices they make for their lives that have literally no effect on yours. If my mother, who may never get a son-in-law or grandchildren (beyond granddogs) from me can fully understand and accept that, then so can you.

6 Month Reflection

I decided to start my own blog because well, why not. And out of all the days to start a blog, today was a good one.

Why?

Because I realized that within 6 months, your entire life can change. Now, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. It can be a good thing, trust me. Sometimes we need to change, sometimes we need to grow. But before we do that, sometimes we need to break.

“What was 6 months ago, Kylie?”

My anniversary was 6 months ago, that’s what. I was told a lot of lies that day. From someone who later admitted he had been thinking about moving out/ending things, he spent our anniversary telling me how he couldn’t wait for all the years to come, how he was going to marry me, have kids with me, how much he loved me.

Yeah, okay.

He made it 29 more days before he decided he didn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore.

I fought so, so hard. I thought I could make it work. I was so set on “I’ll make these changes please” that I didn’t take the time to step back and see that it wasn’t me that needed to make the changes. I wasn’t perfect, but I hadn’t done anything wrong.

You shouldn’t have to try to convince someone to spend time with you, especially when you’ve been together awhile. You also shouldn’t have to put up with getting the ‘leftover’ time – The time where they don’t have anything better to do so they spend it with you.

Joule thought it was bullshit too.

During my soul-crushing heartbreak, I did give an amazing presentation on my research at a regional conference. After a blizzard, too. So at least I had that going for me.

Fast forward a couple weeks to when he lead me on post-breakup and held me accountable for it, for allowing my feelings for the person I loved and wanted to spend my life with become “too strong and serious.”

I was told that the week I moved home with my parents was one of the best weeks he’s had in a long time. I was told that he hadn’t wanted to kiss me lately, he was just doing it because that’s what he thought I wanted.

Fucked up, right?

It was at that exact moment that I said fuck it all, I’m done, I’m not fighting for this, I’m starting fresh.

I killed every single feeling I had for that man. All emotion, gone. That’s not easy to do, but I did it. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t still affect me. I think that’s why I struggle to connect with people lately – I’m still in shut down mode.

I buckled down and wrote the majority of my thesis paper in about 3 weeks. I prepared a full and successful thesis defense in just 3 days.

And I did that all while still living with this person who had become a passive aggressive asshat towards both me and the dog. So yeah, it shaped me a bit.

But then I left town, got the “heck out of Dodge”, as you could say. I took an amazing road trip with my bff around New Mexico.

I came back a new person. I saw how life should be experienced, and that I am naturally such a happy person. I had been so sad lately because of the people I surrounded myself with and the environment I had been stuck in.

But I was going to change that.

I had to deal with him a few more times after my return from my road trip, and they weren’t good encounters. Lots of yelling at me for not knowing what to do with his stuff, struggling to get the money he owed me, etc.

I became incredibly close to someone that I went to college with for 6 years. Yet, we never really hung out (beyond the occasional beer) until this summer. His name’s Ben, and he’s rad. He moved away for work recently and I miss him a lot.

I started hanging out at Snowbank Brewing a lot more, primarily because I needed some place to go that wasn’t my house. My entire Discussion chapter of my thesis was written while sitting in that brewery. It resulted in me becoming great friends with the people who work there. Now we go do pretty rad stuff together like hike mountains and run 5ks.

I even sometimes go on keg delivery adventures with Becki.

Then I joined Gociety and met WAY more people than I ever expected.

We basically just go climb mountains together. It’s pretty great, actually.

I even consider some of these creeps my friends.

I took the time to go on solo adventures with just the dog, and they ended up being pretty rad too. Incredibly relaxing, actually.

In the past 6 months, I have gone through probably the most heart breaking moment of my entire life. It shatters you when you see the life you thought you were going to have just ripped from you. I allowed myself to completely break, and at one point someone told me to just keep breaking. To break until there was nothing left to break. Because only then can you begin anew and build yourself up from the ground.

Oh boy, did I sure build myself up. While I did have that terrible moment within the past 6 months, I also had my greatest achievements happen, one of my happiest moments occur, and I’ve also brought more people into my life and now have more friends than I’ve had in my entire life.

I was ready to get married, I was ready to start planning when we could have a family. Now, I don’t want any of that. I don’t even want to date. I’m content by myself, and I’ve thought that maybe this is the Universe’s way of telling me that I’m not meant to be with anyone.

Maybe that will change, maybe it won’t.

But for now, I’m happy with where my life is. And I know that in the next 6 months, a lot more changes are going to happen and I’m excited to see where that takes me.

So here’s to my day of reflection.